All At Once [Day 10, LE, Closed]

[Kuni Koyuki]

"I know," she says, softly. Letting that sink in for that joined moment as she just looks at Yakumo. Burning up with the warmth of the intensity of the moment, she swallows. Keeping herself focused she steps back away from Yakumo, breaking eye contact as she does so because she can't stand to see how her eyes might look when she does that. Needing to have that resolve, to collect it. Closing her own eyes she breathes deeply to find that center.

Arms crossing over her midsection she looks back to Yakumo, "I am not so ready to accept that. I haven't fought nearly hard enough to learn that it cannot be different, that we could not find some way to make the system work for us," she tries hard to just get through it but there's the little bit of faltering in her voice and it breaks this image of strength she's so desperately hanging onto. "For me you are Yakumo, and I am Koyuki, and that is all that matters. Whatever else there is.. I would fight to make it work, somehow."

One last breath, one that might interrupt Yakumo saying something, she adds, "They are wrong, Yakumo. You will always be good enough."

[Susumu Yakumo]

She took a deep breath. "I know that. But that doesn't mean I don't want to prove them wrong." For her, it was a nescessary thing.

"And that is how I see it too, when I am with you, when it is just you and me - and nobody else. And unless you do something stupid like betray my trust, which I don't think you'd do, then I will always hold you dear in my heart. But," the important word that often could quickly sour a sentence, "... when court is over, I have to return to my duties, whatever those may be. And I have something I must do, depending on what happens tomorrow. Something I have avoided far too long in my life, and I don't want to have that regret hanging over me when I die."

Her hands touched the crossed arms, gently cupping over the wrists, but not holding on to trap Koyuki. Rather to nudge her over to sit down with her on the couch. "When you say that you want to fight, what is it that you mean? Just to... lay it all out there, all the cards on the table, as they say."

[Kuni Koyuki]

Touch on her arm gave Koyuki a shudder, a pause. Making the moment not a quick one as they had to linger there for her to build herself back up. Nobody else lingered in her head, as no other voice would be able to break through now, and it was just Koyuki tending herself best as she could. With a nod first, she assents and sits down beside Yakumo gazing out over the suite like it held something new for her to find. Giving herself time to think, and to really think.

"I mean that I want to spend every second of my life I can by your side," she says, and tears up as she does so. Finding herself unable to turn to Yakumo in seeking comfort for it like she'd started getting used to. They were just different, that way. "That if there's anything I can do. Talk to superiors, Nakodo's, beg on my hands and knee's if it'll move someone to bring me just five more seconds I will. I can't give you everything I am to just become a cherished memory you hold onto at night. That is what love means, to me."

"My mother was the first woman who I knew understood that, the way she held onto my father even after he died. How she knew that she would see him again, and for that reason alone she could live well," she stops, wincing a little as she chokes up finding it hard to speak clearly with the overwhelming pressure of what she felt. "Moriko understood, once."

[Susumu Yakumo]

Even if Yakumo realised that the two of them looked at love differently, it could not stop her from holding onto Koyuki's hands. She wouldn't force a hug on her in this moment, but she held onto those hands with a steady grip to remind her of her presence to at least let her know that she was somewhere safe to expose these feelings.

For her, it was a lot to take in. And seeing it plain as day that she hadn't wanted to see these differences.

"I cannot give you that, Koyuki," she said softly, her miscolored hands squeezing Koyuki's. "Not only because you will continue to live far longer than I will, but... because it's not a matter of how many people you plead or beg to, for it is with me in the end. And... because I care about you, and I love you, I won't hold onto you if it means hurting you. Because for me, that is what love is. You are a wonderful person, Koyuki. Someone who I think makes the galaxy a better place, but I would not want you to extinguish your light when I would pass away long before you." Yakumo let the words sink in for a moment, continuing calmly for she felt she needed to be the calm in the eye of the storm here.

"You said I only lived my life according to the choices of others, but this is me choosing myself. Tomorrow, I intend to be victorious against this foul thing that seems to claim me, because... because when I am, I will return home and I will claim what is my birthright, because I realise now I can do it because I want to."

[Kuni Koyuki]

Five words after that gentle squeeze, Koyuki's hands move to open up but doesn't let Yakumo take them. Instead, with sturdy but soft insistence she takes one the other woman's hands into her own and grips it as if to ask for her to leave it steady. With a feeling of non-verbal confirmation, she slowly starts the long process of carefully and methodically massaging Yakumo's hands to relieve as much as she can. There was a sort of peace in the action that Koyuki could still wear, her focus shifting from the room to that hand.

Koyuki takes time, as even when Yakumo stops speaking she needs to really think through what she has to say. There was quite literally nothing that meant more to her than these words. Letting a sort of silence fall while she works away at Yakumo's hand with intentional focus to make sure she does the best job she can.

"When you speak of it like that, you deprive me of my ability to choose for myself. I am not so weak that I would extinguish my light," she says, her nose scrunching a little at the words, like they were offensive somehow, "because you passed on, and your time in this realm came to an end. I would mourn your loss, and I would be in pain. I almost have to wonder if you look at me and just see this broken pathetic thing," she chuckles with a hurt to it, and a humor that was a more dark grey. "I would light your candle every day knowing that you fought as long and as hard as you could to be mine, as I would to be yours. I could live well, knowing that," she chokes on that, and the tears fall but she keeps herself forward and stoic through great will.

"You hurt me only by choosing to let me go, but I will not hurt you by depriving you of your choice to live your life your way. You do not owe me your life anymore than you do anyone else, and so this pain is one I will shoulder. I hope that tomorrow, when we destroy this foul thing, you will return home and take all that you deserve and more. When your time is done, I will still light your candle."

[Susumu Yakumo]

She wanted to continue holding Koyuki's hand like she was, but... she was in no mood to fight over it.

"No... no I don't think of you as weak, Koyuki. I don't. And... I'm sorry I couldn't word myself better, but..." Yakumo breathed in deeply once more, letting her eyes close in a brief moment. "The way you spoke of your mother, how her light seemed to dim with the passing of your father - I... wouldn't want that for you. I know you are strong, probably one of the strongest I have met, but I just... don't want you hurt, because I do care."

With her free hand, she reached out gently to brush the tears from Koyuki's eyes, hoping it would stop it from spoiling the makeup she spent such a long time on everyday. "I don't want to hurt you, and I wish I could avoid doing so... but I think I would only hurt you more in the end by doing something that is just... not me. And," her voice trembled slightly as well, "I'm sorry I did not communicate this to you more clearly when I first let you in so close to me. I accept that blame, that I was not clear that I'm not someone who is looking for that kind of life-long committment."

Someone who did not want to think of the future. She remembered saying those words at some point, and she still hated thinking of the future more than just the more immediate one. One day at a time, take it as it comes. In a way, tomorrow hanging like such a pendulum that could swing either way, strangely made her feel like she was right in her element - accepting the ephemeral existence that she was fated to.

[Kuni Koyuki]

Yakumo get the first tear, but Koyuki turns her head away so that she can reach no more. Chest rising and falling with a heavy breath as she steadies herself, the pause of all motion for a moment. Closing her eyes she pictures so much, so many moments, and she has to stop herself before it overwhelms. Blowing out an exhale with some intention, a bit of force, she calms and continues with Yakumo's hand in that small caring way she does.

"I warned you not to," she says like each word is sharp against her own tongue. "Yet, if you hadn't I would probably already be dead. I would have killed Moriko, or she would have killed me, and whether or not my body was still moving I truly would have been dead. A ghost. You saved me by stabbing me in the heart, and that is possibly the most fucked up thing Benten could have ever done, the cruel bitch," she laughs, defeated and weary.

Turning her head away further, she bows it slightly to fight back the overwhelming urge to give into her need to cry, "I am not someone who can rely on you like I have knowing one day you will leave. My heart will break every day I do, and I cannot be so unkind to myself."

[Susumu Yakumo]

Seeing Koyuki pull away hurt her, for it felt like it was diminishing how she cared, with words and actions. But... no, she had to not take that out on Koyuki. Because she was allowed to show Yakumo how she cared, but she was not allowed to return the favor.

"... I'm sorry I cannot be the one you need, or deserve," she murmured, feeling a touch defeated that her message did not fully reach her. "But you're right, you can't be unkind to yourself. I don't want you to be unkind to yourself either."

Having said that, she tried to retrieve her hand, as she didn't want Koyuki to feel like she was obligated to do this.

[Kuni Koyuki]

Koyuki let it go, because she felt Yakumo wasn't obligated to let her.

That was it. Connection broken in this stupidly expensive sweet with cushions that felt like you were sitting on clouds instead of crumpled paper stuffed into a mattress. This place she didn't feel like she belonged because she was just some foot soldier's ghost walking through like, a spy on the bottom rung of the ladder who wanted nothing extravagant or fancy ever in all her life. A dumb woman with a dumb stupid heart so broken she wouldn't know how to put it back together even if she had all of the pieces set out in front of her.

What was there left to do? Leave? Walk out that door and.. what, go back to some idea of how things could be if she didn't fall in love with her? She tried, she tried so hard to conceptualize that and yet her legs wouldn't move. Leaving felt so absolutely impossible. What was even the point?

Moriko betrayed her, and left her for dead. Much as she hated her, much as she wanted to kill her, she knew deep down she could never have done it without killing herself too. Then she saw her again and everything changed, everything became clear, she couldn't give up on Moriko like Moriko gave up on her if she'd tried.

Yakumo would leave her someday, no matter what. Better to kill those feelings now rather than feel more pain later when she would leave her again, right?

Looking like a horrible mushy painting of a Kuni face Koyuki turns around, finds a hand on Yakumo's arm, and pulls her in as much as she pushes forward. Finding Yakumo's lips with reckless abandon. Coming so fast onto her that there was no hope of Yakumo not falling backward and Koyuki going with her. Toppling over she pulls into her hard, kissing her like she needed the kiss more than she needed air itself. Wet marks of Koyuki's tears staining Yakumo's cheeks in the embrace before Koyuki breaks away for that needed breath. Breathing deeply, sucking in air, and sobbing all at the same time with a stupid smile that couldn't seem to figure out if it was happy or sad. Hands pressed down to keep herself aloft over Yakumo. Looking down at her, meeting her stupid beautiful violet eyes.

"Fuck- I can't do it. I fucking love you."

[Susumu Yakumo]

Yakumo was, with a heavy heart, letting Koyuki go, feeling that she had failed her in some way to hurt her so. So when Koyuki turned around and came at her with reckless kisses, Yakumo was completely caught off-guard and easily toppled over.

Too stunned and confused to reciprociate at first, she was trying to make sense of what was going on until she managed to return a few of the kisses in kind. And as the two of them stared at eachother, violet meeting icy blue, she still did not have any answers. "I... Koyuki, I don't understand."

[Kuni Koyuki]

Breathy gasps for air, the excited exertion of it all, "You are the one I deserve, even if it can't be you," she says, the weight of the words tugging at her heart. That idea that Yakumo wasn't everything she wanted save for that one unfortunate detail. Leaning up more on one hand so she can lift the other. Brushing off some of her own face-paint from Yakumo's cheek, and with that curled index brushing away some of her hair.

"When you leave me I will be well and truly heart broken. Every step of the way it will kill me with the reminder it's coming, but please," the weight of the word struggles out of her throat with the importance of it, "please, just five more seconds."

[Susumu Yakumo]

"I..." Yakumo's words were caught in her throat. She wasn't someone who cried easily, but she felt herself pressed to keep herself in control. Because Koyuki was confusing her, and she was unsure of what to do about it.

"... Koyuki, I don't want to hurt you. Or for you to hurt yourself." Placing her hands to the Crab's shoulders, she tried to gently nudge her up. "Don't do this to yourself if it will only hurt you."

[Kuni Koyuki]

Those words stunned her before the nudge away really could. Eyes gaining distance as she's not sure where she really is anymore, finding herself trapped inside or outside of herself. Body following the gentle nudging from Yakumo she sits up, and sits back. Hands came up to your face as you press it into your palms, smudging the white and designed paint terribly. You didn't seem to notice when you leaned down, and screamed into those same hands. Pushing yourself to your feet and walking away from the couch because your legs needed to move, you needed to run- or fight.

You never were much of a runner, even when you tried your best, even at your lowest you struggled to run. Though you tried, and it hurt, and made you feel so numb you couldn't have cared if you threw up. You weren't numb anymore though. You were alive again for probably the first day in five years, truly alive again, and your heart carried such weight I wish you could only understand what you needed to understand. You couldn't though, you were broken and grasping and in pain.

So, you fought.

Turning back to Yakumo, an angry edge to her voice that was more flame than ice, "You don't get to do that! You can't avoid hurting me. I'm hurt, I'm hurting, it doesn't fucking matter what I do or don't. What you do, or what you don't. This doesn't work. If I walk out that door? I gave up my last few seconds, and I could never be okay with that," her hand comes up, angrily pointing against her own chest, her own heart. "If I stay with you? I know you're just gonna leave me, and it's.. I can't- I don't- I don't know how to handle that. I don't know how you can just- you can just leave and say goodbye without fighting for it, for this- but.. fuck, I don't- I'm happy for you, I'm glad you can and experience everything you deserve but I can't, I can't." Koyuki get wearier, and wearier, slowly leaning forward until she falls down to her knees some five feet away from Yakumo. Head hanging low against her chest as she stares down at her white-splotched hands.

"I don't know what to do. I don't, I just- I don't.."

[Susumu Yakumo]

With Koyuki no longer on top of her, Yakumo sit up, then rise to her feet as Koyuki does the same. She began to follow behind her, but stopped as she turned around, directing her anger at her.

Yakumo took a step back, her own thoughts flashing with outrage and anger, most of them from voices not her own. "I didn't want to hurt you at all!" she shouted back, hand clasped over her chest as she felt it beat faster. "Because I didn't think that someone like you could love me. Not... not actually love me. I did not think I could hurt you, like I seem to have done."

Her chest heaved with a deep breath. "And I am fucking sorry, because I didn't mean to do that. And now I don't know what's going on now!" Yakumo's face flushed red; frustrated, confused, upset, and hurt too. She had thought that was it, that they could resolve it - it would hurt but it wouldn't be lasting wounds. This was anything but that.

[Kuni Koyuki]

"If you didn't think you could hurt me, you weren't paying attention. You're the only one who could hurt me," she says, sucking air in hard through her nose. Placing her hands on the floor she leans forward to help herself right into a sitting position. Just defeated, and angry, and hurt. A mess of a human being on the floor who finds herself looking up to Yakumo lost, and dazed, and so confused she can't think anymore.

"There's no way out of this where you don't hurt me, and I don't need you to be fucking sorry." There's a bit of derision in the tone but it's mostly just her weary and defeated. Broken down and busted. "I can't manage to give up. I fight, I survive, and I keep going even when all I want to do is lay down and die."

"Please," she says, voice hoarse and begging from the emotional exhaustion that was setting in. "Let me choose my own pain. Just let me choose this time. I can't figure out a way for you to feel good about this. I will never feel good about this. I just want the time I can have before you leave me, enjoy what little moments I might have left, even if it fucking hurts. Cause I'm the idiot who fell in love with the girl who can't choose me."

Again.

[Susumu Yakumo]

Yakumo's hand remained clenched over her chest, her breath trying to steady the racing heart-beat.

If this is what Koyuki wanted, knowing the pain it would cause her every step of the way... then she wasn't someone who could, or should, stop that. Taking an uncertain step back, she felt the couch against her legs as she was trying to sort out her own thoughts.

"... If that is what you want, Koyuki, I won't rob you off your own power to choose. That is your power. And I can't take that from you." Just like Koyuki couldn't take away her choice. Even her choice to be sorry for it. Yakumo looked away, gathering her words, but she found it hard to do so. So typical - she spent so many hours composing the right lyrics to perfectly convey something through a song, but she couldn't even talk now.

Pathetic. It wasn't even the whispers of her ghosts deriding her, but her own voice.

[Kuni Koyuki]

With that assent, Koyuki's strength finally gave out. Uncaring to keep herself upright she allows gravity to take her as it pleads, and with some care fall back against the floor. From her new vantage point she stares up at the ceiling high above and doesn't even contemplate. Completely and totally emotionally exhausted, mentally strained, and it taxed her physically as well. In a short hour, or maybe closer to two, she was going to have to march off toward the Desolation and join a little fighting party to put down some bad guys.

Good thing she was a fighter, because she'd need to pull herself together something mighty not to fall apart tonight.

You did it kid. You lost, but you lost your way this time. Not all that sure you can really call that a win. It's the best you coulda done though. Coulda just not gotten involved with the diva, or, I dunno, remembered the important thing you're here for. Buck up kid, it gets easier. No, it doesn't, what stupid thing do you throw yourself against next? Which one of these things finally kills you? Ever think about that? That you didn't even actually change, you just let your guard down and blinded yourself to it.

Which shot is gonna be the one that gets you?

Koyuki's hands go to her head, pressing her palms against her temples like the pressure might stop the fighting. Was it her? Was it them? Was she merely going actually insane?

Shut them out.

"I spoke to Moriko's wife yesterday."

[Susumu Yakumo]

Yakumo glanced back to Koyuki, sprawled out on the floor, and watched her with some concern. Her hands wringing together as her heart finally began to return to its usual rythm.

I really don't have the heart for drama. How did those people manage to go through with it with multiple ones at New Kalani...
It's all a distraction. None of it, or them, matter. All that matters is our destiny...
Kill her. She's weak and her guard is down. Prove you're the stronger one.

Eyes not leaving Koyuki for now, she began to think of who she wished was there. Rei maybe, not Mineichi no... Yu. She did wish Yu was there. He always knew what to do, or at least, she knew he had made it seem that way to her. And I am still fumbling around in the dark half the time on what I'm doing.

Koyuki's words brought her out of her own turmoil of thoughts, and she took a moment to reconnect to what was being said. "... How did it go? Was Moriko there too?"

[Kuni Koyuki]

"No," she said, her voice was still tired and weak. There just wasn't enough energy in the world to manage anything more. "They might have been happy, once. Apparently she's been different, more troubled, and her wife finally kicked her out a month ago. I thought I'd go there and find out something so I could help her? Sounds like she's as broken as I am." No, that's quite right. "Worse."

"I'm gonna try to reach out to her, but she'll definitely try to kill me first. I just have to try. Never could give up. Can't even do it after she gave up on me," she seems to try to laugh, but it lacks the spirit and energy. Just a huff of air expelled. "Important things first. Tonight, I help that stupidly happy Lion couple. Tomorrow, I help you. Then- fuck, I don't know. See if I can get through to her before she kills me."

[Susumu Yakumo]

Feeling the couch behind her, Yakumo sat down on the couch, but on the edge of the seat rather than sitting into comfort. Another deep breath, a sigh. It seemed like Moriko and Koyuki had both left eachother deeply hurt and messed up from what happened.

"... Is there anything I can do to help? It's the least I can do, since you're helping me..." she said, unsure if Koyuki even wanted her help now, considering... well, everything. "And I do want to help you."